


I Couldn't Tell You How I Feel

by thatwriterlady



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, And even then they're still kind of dumb, Boys In Love, But they're too stupid and stubborn to tell each other, Castiel Loves Dean, Dean Loves Castiel, Demisexual Dean, Demisexuality, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Gay Sex, It's a good ending, Kissing, Longing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention Of Homophobia, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Dean, Secrets, Self-Denial, Shameless Smut, Until they run across one another years later, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:01:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4154607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Castiel, who owns the coffee shop inside a Kansas mall sees a familiar face walking into the jewelry store across the hall, it knocks the very wind right out of him.  His old friend Dean Winchester just walked in there with a beautiful blonde woman on his arm, and they just made a bee line right for the wedding/engagement ring display.  He gets so wound up in his thoughts about how, once, long ago he had fallen in love with his best friend, and he reminds himself that he walked out of Dean's life for a reason, so he wouldn't have to confess his feelings and face rejection.  His self pity is thrown out the window when Dean and the blonde woman walk into his shop, and Castiel is forced to confront a past he thought he had left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Couldn't Tell You How I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Not an ABO, sorry guys, BUT....there is an ABO in the works right now. I do hope you enjoy this little fic though. And despite Cas' self flagellation, it has a happy ending. I love you all, enjoy the story!

[  
](http://www.pizap.com/image/707476471pizapw1443718768.jpg)[piZap](http://www.pizap.com/u/707476471) on [piZap.com](http://www.pizap.com)

“You have got to freaking be kidding me.” Cas muttered under his breath. 

“Who’s that?” Charlie asked as she watched the man her boss was staring at walk into the jewelry store across the hall. He was a good looking man from what she could tell, and the blonde girl on his arm was freaking hot.

“That…is nobody. Just go clean the coffee grinders or something.” He replied grumpily. He couldn’t take his eyes off the man, and his stomach fell when he saw them head directly to the far case. Where the wedding and engagement rings were.

“Oh, he’s somebody alright. Do tell the class who that is.” Cas’ brother Gabe piped up from where he was wiping down tables on the other side of the counter.

“Shut up!” Cas hissed at him. Gabe smirked at his brother before looking back across the hall to the jewelry store.

“Didn’t take him for the marrying type. At least, not to a woman.”

“I am going to kick your ass from here into next Tuesday if you even so much as think about saying a word to him!” Cas warned. The way he glared at his brother was enough to knock the smirk off Gabe’s face. As much as he loved to mess with his little brother, teasing Cas over his first crush was just not worth the man’s wrath.

“I’m not saying a word. I’ll be in back, counting muffins or something.” Gabe muttered before leaving. Cas breathed a sigh of relief, but his eyes were drawn back to where the jean clad man and the pretty blonde were bent over a case of rings. 

“Ex-boyfriend?” Charlie was still standing next to him, watching the couple.

“No.” 

“Did you want him to be your boyfriend?”

He frowned at the red head. “Does it really matter? It was twenty years ago. And he never knew how I felt.”

She tilted her head, seeming to study him. “You loved him though, didn’t you. I think maybe you still do.”

“Charlie.” He warned through gritted teeth. She ignored his tone and looked at the man again.

“Was he like a friend or something?” She asked.

“He was my best friend.” He admitted.

“And you fell in love with him?”

He sighed heavily and glared at her. “Yes, are you happy now?”

“Is he straight?” She asked, pretending she wasn’t ruffling his feathers.

“I never really knew. I thought he was. He certainly didn’t know I’m gay. I never told him.”

“But…you were best friends. You didn’t tell him your biggest secret?” She seemed genuinely surprised to hear that.

“No Charlie, I didn’t tell him I was gay because I couldn’t admit it to anyone back then. I came from a very religious household and my father beat me when I told him. He tried to deny it, saying it was a phase, and then attempted to force me into a relationship with a girl from church. It really messed me up. I didn’t even start really dating until I was twenty four and my father was dead.”

“What’s Mr. Sexy’s name?” She asked.

“Dean. Dean Winchester.” He replied, sighing heavily.

“Are you sure that’s his girlfriend? They’re not all lovey dovey like I would expect. She’s not hanging all over him.” Charlie observed.

“You don’t go into a jewelry store and head straight to the wedding ring case with a casual friend.” He couldn’t help but pout a little. Once upon a time he had fantasized about the possibility of a relationship with Dean, but he’d been fairly certain Dean was straight, and they both had homophobic fathers, so even hinting to Dean that he liked him back then would have been out of the question. It still hadn’t stopped him from falling head over heels in love with his best friend.

“So how did you guys lose touch?” Charlie asked. Goodness she was a nosey one!

“I left for college. He stayed behind to work in his dad’s auto repair shop. We just lost touch. I didn’t go back to Kansas for a long time after I graduated, and when I did…it just didn’t seem right to disrupt his life.” He shrugged. 

“You should talk to him.” 

“No, I really shouldn’t.” He disagreed.

Charlie gave him a disapproving look before she finally turned and walked away. Maybe he was being stupid. After all, feelings aside, Dean had been his best friend all through middle school and later high school. At one point in his life no one had known him better than Dean had. Except his friend hadn’t known the most important thing of all.

He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t seen Dean and the pretty blonde leaving the jewelry store, and he certainly hadn’t seen them come walking over to his little café.

“Oh my God…Cas?!” Dean gasped. Cas’ head snapped up and he found himself eye to eye with Dean Winchester.

“H-hello Dean.” He offered a small, nervous smile.

“Dude! When did you come back to Kansas?!” Dean leaned forward like he wanted to grab his old friend and hug him but there was an expanse of counter between them stopping that.

“I’ve been here for a while now. Six years maybe?” Castiel had to think about that. No, maybe it was eight years. Oh well, time just sort of blended together after a while.

“And you didn’t think to look me up?” Dean asked, the hurt obvious in his eyes.

“I’m sorry Dean, I just thought…you had moved on, forgotten about me.” Cas shrugged.

“I could have never forgotten about you! Get out here now and give me a damn hug.” Dean demanded. Reluctantly Cas came out from behind the counter and walked over to him. Dean pulled him into a hug so tight it knocked the wind right out of him, but he hugged the man right back.

“What are you doing working in a coffee shop inside of a mall? I thought you’d be a college professor or some shit by now.” Dean said when he finally let Cas go.

“Oh, I own this shop, and twelve more across the state. I did teach for a while but I had a problem, so I quit. Decided to open my own business, and here I am.” Castiel motioned weakly towards the displays of coffee and tea.

“You own a chain of coffee shops? Cas, that’s so cool!” Dean seemed genuinely happy for him.

“Uh, Dean? Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” The blonde asked.

“Right, right! Cas, this is Jessica. You remember Sammy, right? Well this is his girlfriend. She’s planning to propose so she asked me to tag along to look at rings.” Dean introduced them.

Oh. NOT Dean’s girlfriend. For some reason that made Cas feel almost giddy. He quickly tampered that feeling down.

“Of course I remember Sam, how is he?” Cas asked.

“He’s great. He went to law school, passed his bar. Practices criminal law.” Dean explained.

“That’s wonderful.” Cas said. He was happy for Sam. 

“So Cas. Do you want to get together sometime soon? Maybe catch up on each other’s lives?” Dean asked. If Cas didn’t know any better he’d say Dean looked downright shy just then.

“That would be wonderful. When were you thinking?” Cas asked. Dean looked at Jessica who just smirked and leaned over the counter to place her order with Charlie.

“How about tonight?” The hopeful look on Dean’s face was too much to resist.

“I’ll close!” Charlie piped up, a huge grin on her face. Cas narrowed his eyes at her for a second before putting on his best smile and turning to look at his old friend once more.

“Sure. The mall closes today at five thirty. I can leave by about five. Where would you like me to meet you?” He asked.

“Do you remember the Roadhouse?” Dean asked. Cas smiled again, this time a genuine one. Of course he remember the Roadhouse. Dean’s aunt owned it and they’d both gotten their first jobs there. It hadn’t been much, just waiting tables and sweeping floors but Cas had been thrilled to get work alongside Dean.

“Of course I remember. How is Ellen? I’ve not been in there since I returned.” 

Dean chuckled. “Ornery as ever, but she’ll be happy to see you. She still asks about you from time to time.” Dean told him. That warmed Cas’ heart. He had always loved Ellen.

“Ok, I’ll be there at six. I’d like to go home and take a shower. I don’t always like to smell like coffee.” Cas joked.

“Ha, you could never smell bad if you smelled like coffee all the time!” Dean said happily, and then he did blush, Cas was certain of it. Dean cleared his throat and looked over at Jessica who was picking up two cups.

“Here, your nasty black coffee.” She grimaced as he took it and drank some.

“Gross.” She muttered.

“No, your tea is gross. This here is some darn good coffee.” Dean said, though he kept his eyes on the cup in his hand. 

“Ok, well then, I need to get home before Sam realizes I snuck off. He thinks I’m doing laundry and scrapbooking.” Jessica offered a hand to Cas.

“It was nice to finally meet you. The boys have plenty of stories I’ve heard about you Cas. It’s nice to put a face to the name.” Cas raised an eyebrow and looked at Dean, a smirk on his lips.

“Oh…really?”

Yep, Dean was full on blushing, his face was redder than the flannel shirt he was wearing.

“Uh, yeah, we have to go. I’ll see you tonight Cas.” And then Dean was making a beeline for the door. Jess apologized before hurrying after him.

“So…not his girlfriend. His soon to be sister in law. He sure was nervous too.” Charlie said cheerfully. 

“I noticed that. He’s never been shy. I don’t think there’s a shy bone in his body.” He stared after his old friend until he was out of sight before turning around to find both Charlie and Gabe standing there watching him. He checked his watch. It was a little after three.

“You could go home and shower now you know. Get all gussied up for your date tonight.” Gabe wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Cas tried to force down the smile that threatened to appear at the ridiculousness of his brother.

“Shut up Gabe, it’s not a date. We just haven’t seen each other in twenty years. Friends can catch up.” He growled before grabbing a rag and wiping the shelves in the cooler next to him.

“Just let me know if I need to cover your shift in the morning.” Gabe winked, disappearing into the back before his brother could yell at him again. 

Cas was basically shoved clear out of the mall well before five and now he was standing in his bedroom after a long, hot shower trying to find something decent to wear. The Roadhouse was definitely not a fancy establishment, so dress pants and a button down were practically out of the question, but he still wanted to look nice. Even if Dean didn’t notice it someone else might. He couldn’t help but hope that Dean would.

Eventually Cas settled on a blue v neck tee shirt and a pair of jeans that he had received many compliments on for how they hugged his hips and ass. He gave up on his hair when it refused to lay flat and just decided to shave and slap on some aftershave. It was five thirty when he finally grabbed his wallet and car keys to head out. The Roadhouse was clear on the other side of town from his house and the drive seemed to drag on forever. He was nervous though he wasn’t exactly sure why. Dean had been his best friend in the world for years.

And his first love.

He tried to push the latter thought out of his mind. His thoughts turned to their encounter earlier. As teenagers they’d been about the same height but Dean apparently had had a last minute growth spurt because he was now several inches taller. He had even more freckles and his green eyes shown just as bright as they had when he was younger, though the boyish good looks were long gone. Dean was absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous now. And that smile that used to charm everyone, Cas included, was now absolutely dazzling. 

Fuck. He was still in love with Dean.

When he pulled into the parking lot he spotted a familiar car, one he thought he would never see again. Dean still had his father’s Impala! He couldn’t help but walk over and run his fingers across the hood. Still in pristine condition. Dean had always loved that car almost as much as he’d loved his brother Sam. He straightened his shirt before taking a clarifying breath and opening the door to the bar.

It took him a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lowered lighting but he finally spotted Dean sitting in a booth in the corner. Dean looked up, spotting him and waved him over. Cas began making his way through the meager crowd toward the booth, until he felt a hand fall on his arm. He stopped to see who had stopped him. The man was attractive with dark hair and blue green eyes. He smiled at Cas.

“Hey there.”

“Hello.” Cas replied politely.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before.” The man looked Cas over, pausing for longer than was polite when he got to the jeans. When his eyes met Cas’ again he had a smile on his face. 

“No, I don’t suppose you would have seen me here, I haven’t been in here since I was a teenager.” Cas replied as he stepped back enough that he was able to pry his arm out of the man’s grip. 

“You’re from Kansas then?”

Cas nodded. “I am originally. Left for a while and then came back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting someone…” He turned to leave but the man spoke again.

“Your date?”

Cas paused and turned back to look at the man. “No, an old friend from school.” If Dean was just looking to rekindle their friendship then this man might be worth getting to know better. He smiled and offered his hand.

“I’m Cas.” The other man smiled wider and shook it. “Michael.”

“Well, I really do have to go, but perhaps I’ll see you in here some other time.” Cas said. He tilted his head in a way that he knew drove other men nuts. Michael smiled wider.

“I’d like that. I’ll keep an eye out for you.” 

Cas flashed him a smile and nodded, taking a moment to touch the man’s arm before stepping away. It had been a while since he’d been on a date and Michael was extremely attractive with his dark hair and bright eyes. He made his way to the booth and was surprised when Dean stood up and hugged him for a second time. He hugged him back. It felt good to have his old friend in his arms, even if it was just platonic. When they pulled apart Dean looked embarrassed. He motioned toward the seat across from him and they sat down.

“Was that a friend of yours?” He asked, nodding toward where Michael was now sitting at the bar not so subtly watching them.

“Oh, uh, no. I don’t know him.” Cas replied, slightly embarrassed.

“Oh. He seems awfully friendly for a stranger. Guess that’s just Kansas for ya, huh.” Dean said with a small laugh. Cas smiled and nodded. “Yes, friendly.” He felt stupid saying it but he didn’t know what else to say.

“So…I totally didn’t expect to run into you today. I wish I’d known you were back in town. Why didn’t you ever call? You just dropped off the face of the planet. I missed you Cas.” Dean sounded hurt and Cas could see the pain in those green eyes, even in this dim lighting. Truth was, he didn’t have a good excuse. 

“I don’t have a good answer for that. I am sorry though. So tell me, what have you been up to all these years?” He asked.

“I worked for my dad for about a year after you left, and then we got into a fight and I decided maybe I could do the whole college thing. Sammy was encouraging me to do it, so I went and got my engineering degree. Once I had that I went back for a degree in English and then one in Education. It took me a while to complete them, but I did. I was gone for a few years too. I just came back two years ago.” Dean replied. Cas was impressed. Dean had been against the idea of college when they were kids. He had never felt smart enough to attend, though Cas had never doubted how smart Dean was. He was glad Sam had been able to finally convince him.

“So what did you do after college? What are you doing now?” Cas asked.

“Would you believe I teach mechanics now? At the high school. I teach freshman English too.” Dean replied. Well, Cas hadn’t been expecting that one!

“You teach in a high school? Really?” Cas couldn’t help but smile. Dean had always loved kids, it made sense that he would choose a career where he could work with them.

“Yeah. I like it too, even if it’s not glamourous.” Dean shrugged. 

“Teaching is rewarding in its own way. I’m glad you like what you do.” Cas placed his hands on the table and leaned forward to say more but a familiar face was walking towards their table and he knew he had to stand up and greet her properly.

“Cas Novak! What rock did you crawl out from under?!” Ellen Harvelle cried as she pulled him into her arms, squeezing him tight.

“Hello Ellen, it’s been too long. I’m sorry about that.” He told her when she pushed him back, holding him at arm’s length so she could get a good look at him.

“Damn boy, you grew up! You were such a handsome young man but you’re downright gorgeous now. Are you married?” She asked. Cas squirmed a bit at that.

“Uh no, not married.” 

“You must be beating the ladies back with a stick though.” Ellen insisted. Cas chuckled and shook his head.

“No ma’am. They’re not lining up at my door, so no stick needed.” 

She frowned at him. “I don’t know why they wouldn’t be, you’re a real looker honey.” 

Cas blushed at the compliment but didn’t say anything more. He noticed Dean watching him with one eyebrow raised as though he couldn’t believe it either. Ellen pulled him into another quick hug before releasing him for good and allowing him to sit back down.

“What can I get you boys?” She asked, looking between the two of them.

“Beer, whatever you have on tap is fine.” Cas replied. Dean nodded. “What he said.” Ellen ruffled Dean’s hair and smiled before leaving to get their drinks. Dean was frowning and trying to fix his hair which still looked fine. It made Cas smile.

“What? Did she like totally mess it up?” Dean asked worriedly.

“It looks fine Dean. At least it doesn’t look as bad as mine. I can’t do a thing with this.” Cas ran a hand through his own hair and sighed. He missed the way Dean watched the movement, his own hands dropping back to the table top as he forgot about what he’d just been doing.

“So you’re not married?” He asked and winced as he realized how nosey he was being.

“No, not married.” Cas confirmed.

“I thought for sure coming from your family they’d have had you married with a houseful of kids before you were twenty.” Dean joked.

“Yes, well, I’m not on speaking terms with anyone in my family, save for my brother Gabe and my sister Anna. Don’t think my parents didn’t try to marry me off. I just wasn’t going to succumb to their pressure.” Cas said. His brow furrowed slightly and he frowned as he thought about the fight that he’d had with his father right before storming out of the house that last time. 

“But Cas, you were always so close with your family! What the hell happened?” Dean asked. There was concern in his voice and on his face. Cas sighed and sat back, running a hand through his hair absently as he debated on whether or not to fess up. Worst case scenario, Dean wouldn’t want to reconnect and be friends with him anymore. He dreaded that thought. 

“My dad tried to force me to court a girl from our church. Her name was Hannah. I refused. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He felt we would be a perfect match. I disagreed.” It was the truth, just not the entire truth.

“That’s pretty sick trying to force your kid into dating and marrying someone they don’t like. Was she not your type?” Dean asked. Cas huffed out a small laugh.

“Yeah, you could say that.” 

Dean frowned, clearly confused. “What does that mean?”

“I’m gay Dean. She was most definitely not my type.” Cas said firmly, his blue eyes watching his old friend carefully. He expected some of the fire and anger he remembered Dean’s father John displaying whenever someone gay drew his attention, whether it was a person in a store or bar, or a person on television. John Winchester knew more sexist slurs than Cas had ever heard in his entire life, and it had scared him. Dean was still staring at him and it was unnerving.

“Did you forget how to speak Dean?” He asked, trying to maintain his cool. Dean blinked and shook his head.

“Of course not. So did your dad already know when he was trying to get you date Hannah?” 

“I told him as soon as he mentioned her the first time. After he beat me senseless he told me it was the devil making me have such ‘unholy’ thoughts, and he insisted ever harder that I take Hannah out. I refused. He then kicked me out. I never saw him alive again. He died when I was twenty three.” Cas replied. It was a dark park of his past and he didn’t like to think about it. At least Gabe and Anna hadn’t abandoned him.

“I’m sorry man. Wow, your dad sounds about as bad as mine. You remember what an ass my old man was.” 

Cas leaned forward again. “Was? Has John passed away?”

“Nah, we just don’t talk anymore. I just assume he’s still a royal ass, and Bobby gives me updates. According to him, my dad is still a prick.” Dean picked at a nick in the table surface, deliberately avoiding Cas’ eyes.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked, lifting his eyes to look at Cas. Cas swallowed hard. He prayed Dean wasn’t going to ask him some kind of awful, sexist question. He had been asked some terrible things over the years by people he had thought were his friends, but upon finding out he was gay showed a completely different side to themselves, and he didn’t think he could stand it if Dean was like that.

“Depends. Are you intending to be cruel and insult me?” He asked. Dean’s eyes widened.

“Geez, no! I would never!”

Cas relaxed a bit then. “Ok, then go ahead.”

“Did you really think I was going to say something mean? I’m not like that Cas. I’m not my dad.”

“I apologize Dean, I just have heard a lot of ignorant crap over the years. I suppose it has made me a bit cynical.” Cas explained.

“I understand that. What I was going to ask was why didn’t you ever tell me? I wouldn’t have been a jerk. I mean-” Dean’s mouth slammed shut and Cas could see his jaw clenching. It was a familiar tell to Cas. Dean was hiding something.

“You still are lousy at hiding things. What were you afraid to tell me?” Cas asked. He leaned in again, folding his hands on the table in front of him. Dean stared at his hands before looking back up at his face again.

“I’m divorced.” Dean blurted. Cas frowned. Not what he expected. 

“Ok…lots of people are.”

“His name was Benny.” 

Now that Cas had not been expecting. Dean had been married. To a man. 

“You were married…to a man?” He just wanted to clarify that he had heard the other man correctly. Dean looked genuinely pained to have admitted that.

“Yeah. Got married in college. Lasted three years before we decided we were better off as friends than lovers. He’s still one of my best friends.” Dean replied. He was really picking at that nick in the table now.

“Oh. So are you…” Cas knew there were more orientations than he was probably aware of and he didn’t want to just assume Dean was gay. 

“I uh, don’t like labels..” Dean chewed on his lower lip for a moment before looking up at him again.

“Looks like we were both hiding some things when we were kids.” Cas mused, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Dean seemed to relax. He smiled and nodded.

“Didn’t turn out the way our dads expected.”

“I think that’s a very good thing actually. There is no way I would have wanted to be anything like my father.” Cas said. 

“Yeah, one John Winchester running around insulting people and being miserable is enough.” Dean agreed. He laid his hands flat on the table, the tips of his fingers only a few inches away from Cas’ own hands.

“So are you seeing anyone now?” Cas asked. He wasn’t exactly sure that he had the right to ask that, but he was dying to know.

“No, not currently. I just got out of a relationship right before I moved back here. She was cheating on me. I needed a fresh start and Sam heard about the opening at the high school here, so I applied. What about you?” 

“I never married, and no, I am not currently involved with anyone. I broke off an engagement last year when I found out he was embezzling from my company. He’s doing a long stint in prison now.” Cas replied.

“Dude tried to steal from you? What a jerk!”

Ellen appeared placing a beer mug down in front of each of them.

“Sorry boys, it’s picking up in here and I almost forgot to bring these. They’re on the house.” She gave them a quick smile before rushing off again. When Cas looked out over the bar he saw that indeed, it had picked up. The place was nearly full now. Michael was still sitting at the bar but Cas wasn’t interested in him anymore. He turned back to look at Dean. Dean lifted his mug and took a swig. When he set it back down Cas burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” He wiped at his mouth but missed most of the foam that had momentarily given him a white mustache.

“You missed a spot.” Cas motioned towards his own mouth, indicating the spot where Dean still had foam clinging to his lip. Dean’s eyes flickered to Cas’ lips before wiping again at his own mouth. Still he missed some.

“Did I get it yet?”

Cas shook his head and reached for the napkin holder on the table. He plucked one out and reached over to wipe the foam away. It made him smile the way Dean’s breath caught as he touched him.

“There, gone. You’re still messy, aren’t you?” He teased. Dean blushed again but he manage to flash one of his dazzling smiles.

“Not where it counts I’m not.” 

Cas didn’t understand what he meant but didn’t feel it was important enough to ask him to explain. He took a small sip of his own beer, careful to wipe at his upper lip when he was done.

“So Cas, tell me the real reason you stopped talking to me after you left for college. Did I do something wrong?” Dean asked after several minutes of comfortable silence.

“What? No, of course not.” Cas replied. Dean looked unconvinced.

“You don’t just stop talking to your best friend unless they did something wrong. So what did I do?”

It was Cas’ turn to be uncomfortable. “You really didn’t do anything…I did.”

Why had he even said that?! Internally he groaned, kicking himself for speaking before he thought a sentence through. Dean frowned. “No you didn’t. Like, I wasn’t mad at you for anything. I honestly thought you’d call or write, and when you didn’t I figured I’d done something really wrong.”

“I’m sorry you thought that Dean. You really didn’t do anything.” Cas insisted.

“Then what is it that you thought you had done that was so bad that I wouldn’t want to stay in touch with you? Cause short of murdering my brother, there really isn’t much you could have done to make me not want to be your friend.” Dean said.

“I…fell in love.” Cas stared into his beer. It was easier than looking Dean in the eye.

“And why would that make me not want to be your friend?” Dean asked.

“With you.” Cas added. Despite the busy noise of the bar and the country music playing on the jukebox, silence fell between them. It was almost deafening.

“I’m sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut, but you kept needling me. I can’t believe you are still able to do that to me. I’m going to go home. It was good catching up Dean.” Cas went to stand up but a warm hand covering the one he still had on the table gave him pause.

“Don’t go. Please?” 

Cas was halfway between standing up and still sitting, so he dropped back onto his seat. Dean’s hand was still over his and he couldn’t help but stare at it.

“Ok, fine. I’ll stay a bit longer. What did you want to talk about?” Suddenly Dean’s hand was gone and the man was standing up. Cas watched as he came around the table to sit next to him. He made to scoot back and give him room but Dean caught the front of his shirt and held him in place.

“Don’t. Move.” 

Cas looked at the hand Dean had on his shirt and then up at his face. 

“What…I don’t…” Cas didn’t know exactly what was going on other than that his heart was beating so fast it felt like it was slamming around in his chest.

“It wasn’t one sided. It’s why I got into such a huge fight with my dad. He overhead me talking to Sam one night when we thought he was still out drinking. I was telling Sam how much I missed you, and that I was in love with you. My dad heard every word and he came storming into the room, fists swinging. He beat me and called me every name in the book. Even used a few I’d never heard before. So I left. I couldn’t work with him and I couldn’t stay in that house a moment longer. But I didn’t know how you felt, and I was still trying to figure myself out, so when you didn’t call or write, I thought maybe it was for the best. But shit Cas, I never got you out of my head.” Dean finally let go of Cas’ shirt and his hand came to rest on the other man’s hip instead.

“I know it’s wishful thinking, but I was hoping maybe I could take you out, and we could…date or something?” 

Cas smiled at Dean’s awkwardness. It was endearing, but then again there was very little about Dean that didn’t warm his heart in some way.

“It’s not wishful thinking at all. I’d love to go out with you.” He breathed out. The nervousness Dean felt seemed to melt away and he turned a bit, placing his free hand on Cas’ other hip and tugging him closer.

“You know, I thought you were hot back in high school but you’re fucking gorgeous now.” He said, and Cas felt his own cheeks reddening.

“Oh, thank you Dean. I was thinking the same thing about you actually.” His cheeks were practically burning now.

“Ellen is watching us. I can feel her brown eyes boring holes into my head, so what do you say we get out of here?” Dean looked up and sure enough there was Ellen behind the bar watching them with an amused expression. Cas followed his gaze and Ellen winked at him. His cheeks burned even more.

“I think getting out of here would be an excellent idea.” 

He let Dean pull him to his feet and he watched as he tossed a $5 on the table for a tip. Then Dean’s hand was holding his, tangling their fingers together as they headed for the door. As they passed the bar Cas caught Michael looking at them, a sad frown on his face. It deepened as he took in the look of pure joy on Cas’ face. Once out in the parking lot Dean paused.

“I don’t know where to go now.” He admitted.

“We could…go to my house.” Cas suggested. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, sure. I mean, I live with Sam and Jess right now while I’m saving up for a house of my own, so we’d have them practically in our laps if we go there.”

“Follow me then.” Cas went to his car and watched Dean head to the Impala. Damn the man was fine, and OH DEAR LORD…Dean wanted to be his! He had to force back the rising panic he felt and focus on starting the car. He pulled out of the parking lot and smiled when he heard the familiar rumble of the Impala’s engine as it pulled out behind him.

The drive to his house went faster and soon they were pulling up side by side in his driveway. Dean was already out of the Impala and walking over to him by the time he got out of his own car. Dean was looking up at the house.

“Nice place Cas. You did well for yourself.”

“Thank you.” 

Cas unlocked the front door and leaned back against the door to allow Dean entrance. Dean walked in and turned around to look at him.

“Do you live alone?” 

Cas nodded as he closed the door. “Gabe lived with me for a little while, but he has an apartment a few blocks away now.” When he turned around he found Dean had moved closer. It startled him and he jumped. Dean stepped back looking embarrassed.

“I’m sorry Cas, I did that to you when we were kids too. I forgot.” 

Cas moved forward, capturing Dean’s hand before he could back up any further. “It’s ok Dean. You didn’t scare me. I’m just…a little nervous.”

Dean smiled and moved closer again, this time grabbing Cas’ hips and pulling him forward until they were pressed against one another.

“You don’t have to be nervous with me Cas.” He leaned in as though wanting a kiss, but hesitated. Cas made the decision for him by threading his fingers through the short hairs on the back of Dean’s head and pulling him down until their lips were pressed together. Cas found himself pushed back against the wall a moment later as Dean’s grip on his waist tightened. 

“Shit, I wanted you so bad once I realized I was in love with you. I kicked myself for years for never telling you how I really felt.” Dean murmured as he kissed down Cas’ jaw, pausing to suck at the tender skin of his throat. Cas moaned and Dean pressed his body against the other man even tighter.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call or write like I had promised. I was an idiot.” Cas now regretted his decision to walk out of Dean’s life, to let his friend move on without him. He could have had Dean twenty long years ago had he manned up and told him how he felt.

“Don’t apologize. We were young and under a lot of pressure to be something we knew we weren’t. I don’t blame you. I knew what your dad was like, and I knew how he would twist the words of the bible. I did go to church with you more Sundays than not, remember?” Dean pulled back to look into Cas’ eyes. 

“I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t be the perfect son he wanted me to be.” Cas spoke softly, and he swallowed hard. He refused to cry over his father.

Dean kissed him softly and brought a hand to his cheek, stroking it gently.

“But Cas, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are perfect, you always were.”

Cas smiled and shook his head. No one had ever been able to lift his spirits when he was down quite like Dean. He had missed him so much over the years. Dean wrapped him in his arms and Cas melted against him. 

“I still love you Cas. I never stopped loving you.” Dean admitted. He couldn’t see Cas smiling but he felt it when Cas’ lips turned up where they were pressed against his neck.

“I never thought I’d ever hear those words from you, Dean. I swear I thought you were as straight as an arrow back then. But honestly? I never stopped loving you either.” 

Dean stepped back and took Cas by the hand to lead him over to the couch but Cas wouldn’t budge. When he turned to look at him questioningly Cas nodded his head toward the hall. Toward the bedrooms.

“Really? You…you’re sure?” Dean asked, unable to sufficiently hide his excitement. Cas didn’t answer, he simply tugged on Dean’s hand and led him to his bedroom. Once inside Cas turned on the light on the night stand closest to the door.

“We don’t have to do anything Dean. I just really want to hold you. I’ve missed you so much.” He told him. Dean smiled. 

“I missed you too. I almost went looking for you on more than one occasion but Sam said that if you had cut off communication then that meant you didn’t want me in your life anymore. I never wanted to believe that was true.” 

Cas pulled Dean down onto the bed with him and waited for him to take off his boots. He had already kicked off his own shoes. Dean shrugged out of the flannel shirt he was wearing over his tee shirt and set it on the night stand. 

“I never wanted to push you away, I just…couldn’t stand the thought of being so in love with you and you not loving me in return. To push you away was easier than having you hate me. At least, that was my teenage logic.” Cas explained. He scooted back on the bed.

“Come here.” Cas turned onto his side and Dean took a moment to really look at him. 

“Fuck Cas, you’re so fucking hot.” Dean blushed once the words had left his mouth. He had meant to only think that, not blurt it out. Cas just smiled and rolled his eyes. Something as simple as that Dean realized he had missed most of all. All of Cas’ mannerisms, the way he talked, the way he wore his heart on his sleeve. He had missed it all terribly.

“Spoken so eloquently.” Cas teased. Dean laid down next to him, sliding up against Cas and running his fingers down the other man’s side.

“And what the hell is up with these jeans? Damn! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look this good in just a pair of pants.” Dean’s eyes were roaming over his body, lingering quite a while on the pants in question.

“Yes, well, I do run regularly. I work out three times a week as well. I try to stay in shape.” Cas pretended Dean wasn’t undressing him with his eyes, though it pleased him to no end knowing Dean wanted him. Green eyes finally met Cas’ blue ones and he almost forgot to breath for a moment. There was so much love and desire in Dean’s eyes, something he had seen before, but never understood it for what it was, or realized that it was aimed at him. Now he knew. 

“Hey, was that guy back at Ellen’s flirting with you?” Dean suddenly asked. Cas saw the spark of jealousy in those green eyes. He placed a hand against Dean’s chest, directly over his heart.

“Yes he was. But he doesn’t have a chance in the world. My heart belongs to someone else. It always has.” 

This time it was Dean that grinned and rolled his eyes. “Well I don’t blame the guy. I had to do a double take when you walked in. Like I said before Cas, you’re gorgeous, but you’re like really freaking hot dressed like this.”

Cas chuckled and rolled onto his back. He rested+ his head on one arm and looked over at Dean.

“Yes, well, I may or may not have had an ulterior motive when I chose these pants. I have received compliments on them in the past.”

“Thinking I was straight and you wore them?” Dean frowned.

“I didn’t think I had a chance in hell Dean, but…I hoped. I always had hope, even when we were kids.” 

Dean’s expression softened and he moved closer, tentatively reaching out to place his hand on Cas’ stomach. 

“That ok? I don’t want to make assumptions and overstep my bounds.” 

Again Cas rolled his eyes. “Dean, I have wanted to make love to you pretty much from the moment I realized I was gay. You’re not overstepping any bounds here.”

“Oh yeah? And when was that exactly?” Dean raised an eyebrow, biting down on his lower lip as he watched Cas. It made Cas’ dick twitch.

“Oh hell, I was probably thirteen? I remember a girl by the name of April had a crush on me. You told me I should ask her out but when I looked at her, I felt nothing. The day you told me that I went home and talked to my brother Gabe. He asked me who I did want to ask out. We talked and all I kept thinking about was how green your eyes were, and how many freckles you had, and the way your lips turned up when you smiled. I realized I had a crush on you. I didn’t tell my brother that right away, though I am pretty sure he figured it out on his own. That night I…had my first fantasy about you.” Cas blushed and turned away. It was embarrassing admitting this to the person he’d been having his fantasies about all those years ago. Dean’s hand slid under his tee shirt causing him to shudder. He turned back to see Dean studying his body again.

“That’s hot Cas. I had so many dreams about you as a teenager it’s not even funny. I must have changed my sheets four to five times a week because of you. I had no idea you were thinking of me too.” Dean pressed small kisses to Cas’ jaw and neck, loving the sounds the man was making. As a kid he had fantasized about what sounds Cas would make in the bedroom, but his imagination was no comparison to reality. Dean wanted him for real now, and Cas wanted him too. He slid his hand down until he found the button to Cas’ jeans and quickly undid it. He slid the zipper down, pausing a moment to see if Cas was going to change his mind but Cas was moaning as Dean continued to kiss and nibble at his neck, so he slid his hand inside to rub at the already hard bulge waiting there. Cas moaned louder, his eyes fluttering shut as he lifted his hips in response to Dean’s touch.

“Please, Dean…” Cas was begging but Dean knew what he wanted. How many times had he dreamt about this very moment? Had someone told him twenty years ago that this moment would have arrived he’d have called them a liar. But it had arrived, and he had Cas in his arms, moaning and wanting him. It was infinitely better than anything he could have ever dreamed up.

Dean tugged at Cas’ jeans and Cas obliged by lifting his hips so they could be pulled off. He kicked them to the floor and Dean lifted his head to look down at Cas again. This was something he was never going to tire of doing. Cas’ body was even more perfect now that his pants were gone. He was wearing a pair of boxer briefs that left little to the imagination, and Dean couldn’t help the small moan that escaped his own lips as he took in the size of Cas’ erection and how it was straining against the fabric.

“Fuck Cas, you’re absolutely perfect, just as I always imagined you were.” 

“Fuck, yes, fucking sounds perfect right about now.” Cas said. He pushed Dean back so he could sit up and pull his own shirt off. Once he had it off he dropped it and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his underwear and a moment later they were gone too. Dean thought he might just come right there from the sight of Cas fully naked. Cas dropped back to the bed and looked up at him.

“Dean. Clothes. Off. Now.” He growled as he grabbed the edges of Dean’s shirt and yanked it over his head. Dean fumbled with the button on his own jeans but he got it open and the pants unzipped a moment later. He kicked them off and looked up to find Cas staring at him, his eyes wandering over every inch of his skin. Dean had gone commando and Cas licked his lips at the sight. His eyes came back to Dean’s face after a long moment.

“Do you usually top?” He asked. Dean smiled and pulled Cas in for a kiss.

“Yeah, but I don’t have to if you don’t want me to.”

“No, I do want you to. I want you to fuck me so hard into the bed that I can’t walk tomorrow. Can you do that Dean? Fuck me until I can’t walk?”

Dean’s jaw dropped, he couldn’t help it. He’d never heard Cas swear like that before. It was a huge turn on. He nodded eagerly.

“Hell yeah I can!” He felt that he probably should have tampered down his enthusiasm but he was dying to do exactly as Cas wanted. Cas chuckled and moved closer. Dean could take a hint as well as the next guy.

“Where do you keep stuff?” He asked. Cas sat up on one elbow to reach into the night stand closest to him. He pulled out a bottle of lube and an unopened box of condoms. He handed them both over. Dean wouldn’t admit it but he was secretly a little glad that the box was unopened. He hated the idea of Cas having sex with anyone else. He set them down and leaned in for a kiss. As his tongue slid across Cas’ and elicited another moan (Dean could really get used to hearing that as a constant thing, maybe for the rest of his life) he ran a hand up Cas’ thigh, noting how the muscles fluttered under his touch. Cas parted his legs and without breaking the kiss Dean reached for the bottle of lube, popping it open and pouring some on his fingers. He found Cas’ entrance and slowly began to circle it before pressing in with one finger. 

Benny hadn’t been Dean’s only sexual experience with men so he knew what he was doing as he went through the process of stretching Cas, and as he worked in a second finger he bent them so that he could brush against the man’s prostate. The way Cas cried out and bucked upward nearly had Dean coming just from the sound and sight of it all. By the third finger Cas was a hot mess and he had moved from lying beside him to straddling his thighs in order to hold him down.

“Now Dean, please! I’m ready!” Cas begged. God that was the sexiest thing Dean had ever heard!

“I’ve got you baby.” He purred as he withdrew his fingers and reached for the box of condoms. He managed to get the box open, even after it slipped out of his grip once, and using his teeth he tore open the condom wrapper and slipped it on. He gripped Cas’ legs, throwing them over his shoulders as he lined himself up. As he pushed in he looked down at Cas. How many times over the years had he pictured Cas like this? Wrecked, eyes lust blown, moaning and begging for his cock? Too many times to think about. Hell, those fantasies had even bled into his relationship with Benny, as embarrassing as that was. Yeah, he had loved Benny and thought they were in love, but no, Benny wasn’t Cas, and in the end he had to leave. Benny hadn’t been mad though. Dean suspected he had known all along.

“Damn, you feel so good…” Dean pushed in slowly until he was flush against Cas’s backside but before the man could open his mouth and tell him to move, he pulled out and slammed back in. 

“Fuck!” Cas’ eyes flew open wide and as Dean kept up a near brutal pace, his breath sped up until he was panting and clawing at Dean. The pace Dean kept was sending them both racing toward what was no doubt going to be a mind blowing orgasm. He reached between them to take Cas into his hand, stroking at the same pace with which he was thrusting, and less than a minute later Cas was coming, hard. As he clenched around Dean he felt his own orgasm explode, the feeling washing over every inch of his body. Even his toes were tingling. With a strangled cry that he didn’t have the time to be embarrassed over, he collapsed on top of Cas.

“Holy…shit…” He managed to gasp.

“Understatement of the year.” Cas panted. Dean lifted up and off of him, rolling onto his side to lay next to him. Cas found a box of tissues on the night stand and a package of wet wipes in the drawer. He got them both cleaned up, even being the one to remove the spent condom from Dean and tossing it in the trash. Once he was done Dean pulled him close, throwing one leg up and over Cas’ hip and nuzzling against his neck.

“That was the best sex I’ve ever had had.” Dean sighed contentedly. Cas couldn’t help but smile at hearing that.

“I would have to agree. Walking will be quite difficult tomorrow.” That made Dean chuckle. He pulled back though, his expression sobering.

“I need to tell you something. Something about me and…how I feel about you.”

Cas wasn’t worried. He knew Dean loved him, and he loved the man back.

“Ok, go on.” He urged.

“How much do you know about different orientations and stuff?” Dean asked.

“Are you asking me if I know what pansexual is?” Cas inquired.

“Well, for starters, I have a pretty decent idea. You are attracted to a person based more on who they are rather than their sex. Am I in the right ballpark?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. That has caused some issues in the past. I’ve dated a couple of transgender people over the years. I’m just attracted to what I’m attracted to. But, for me, attraction isn’t enough.” He looked up, seeing those blue eyes watching him so calmly. There was nothing but love in them.

“Do you know what demisexual is?” He asked. Cas frowned a little. Perhaps he had heard the term before, he wasn’t exactly certain.

“I…don’t think I know that one.” He finally admitted. Dean nodded. Yeah, that didn’t surprise him. He was about to drop some heavy news on this man and he needed him to understand.

“Ok, so you know I love you, and that I’ve loved you probably most of my life now.” He started off with. Cas smiled and pressed a small kiss to his cheek.

“Yes, I feel the same way.”

“Ok, well, I’m pan but I’m also demi. What that means is that in order for me to even want to have sex, to even have that sexual attraction, I have to feel an emotional connection to the other person. It has to go beyond just physical or sexual attraction. And for me, I have to have that connection. I have to care deeply at the very least. And God Cas, I’ve loved you so much, and for so long. It’s…not just sex to me. It’s connecting with you, loving you. I wanted you to know that it’s not just…like a fling or something.”

Cas heard Dean’s words and for a moment he was speechless. Was Dean telling him that he wanted to be with him? As in a couple? As in permanently? As it what he had dreamt about since they were like sixteen? He felt a lump forming in his throat and he swallowed hard before he could start crying.

“Dean, are you talking about us being together? Like…forever?”

“I’ve never wanted anyone but you Cas.”

“What about Benny?” Cas asked. Dean sighed. He knew Cas would ask about that.

“When I met Benny, there wasn’t an attraction like that. He was my friend and we both thought the other was straight. Benny is bi. I thought I was too at the time. I didn’t know what pan was until years later. Anyway, he confessed his feelings for me one night at a party and then proceeded to drunkenly kiss me. It took a long time for me to develop the feelings necessary for me to even want to sleep with him. I thought I was in love with him, and so when he proposed, I accepted. But about a year in I was pretty sure that the sex should have been better than it was. I…couldn’t orgasm. I think in three years I had maybe six total? It reached a point where I was no longer interest in sex with him. So…we separated. It was amicable. He knew I had issues and we finalized the divorce quietly a year later. Later, after I spoke to some people and figured out what my issues were, I told him. He just laughed and said that made a lot of sense. He’s married now, with a beautiful family. His wife is actually a good friend of mine. I’ve had sex since then, but it was never like what I just had with you. It was always numb, as though I couldn’t really feel. You set every one of my nerve endings on fire though. Fuck, even my toes were tingling. I didn’t know it could feel that good.”

He nuzzled against Cas, wrapping his arms around the man.

“I don’t want you to think you owe me anything, because you don’t. I just wanted to explain exactly how I feel about you, and I want you to know that if you’ll have me, I’m yours, for as long as you want.”

The lump in Cas’ throat was only getting bigger and his vision began to blur as his eyes filled with tears. No one had ever wanted him like this, or made him feel so needed. Dean didn’t just love him, Dean was IN love with him. His heart swelled at that realization.

“Is forever too long Dean? I already hate that we spent so long apart. I don’t want to be apart any longer.”

Dean could hear it in his voice and when he pulled back again to look at him he could see the tears in Cas’ eyes. He reached up to wipe them away.

“Forever sounds good.” He replied, smiling.

After Dean had fallen asleep Cas grabbed his phone and sent off a text to his brother.

Cas: I will need you to open in the morning. I might not be in for a couple of days.

Despite the late hour Gabe replied relatively fast.

Gabe: Knew it. 

Cas: Shut up.

**Author's Note:**

> And as I have done in other fics, I do, with more frequency make one of the main characters pan. If you are not familiar with the terms pansexual or demisexual, please check here:
> 
> Pansexuality: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pansexuality
> 
> Demisexuality: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=demisexuality
> 
> I basically based Dean on myself. It is, for me, a frustrating way to live. Not being pan, I'm a-ok with that, but being demi is difficult. I can feel initial attraction to people but it's not necessarily sexual, and even if it is, it always wanes very quickly. I have to really form a bond with that person emotionally in order for the sex to be really good. That is what I was trying to convey through Dean's character here. 
> 
> I recently started dating someone who is also pan. It's a first for me, I've only ever dated straight or bi men in the past, and I am trying to work up to feeling that emotional connection with him. He's amazing, so handsome and sweet. He is aware that I am also demi, and I'm hoping he has the patience to see this thing through with me, because I do really like him.
> 
> And for those that were following Blind Date, no, he's not the Marine. That guy ended up just being a pretty face with a nasty personality. 
> 
> If anyone ever wants to talk, please, add me on Tumblr. My user name there is @thatwriterlady. Just message me privately on there. I love talking to people and making new friends. :)
> 
> Also, for further clarification, I am not a teenager, I am an adult that struggled for years with my sexuality before I figured things out. I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and I hope everyone can feel that way about themselves.
> 
> I hope all enjoy the story. Please, leave kudos and comments when it's done. I enjoy talking to everyone.


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